Dear Zacc,

I used to write to you more frequently, but life has been so chaotic.  Now I understand why you were so stressed all the time.  Andy and Amy’s wedding was beautiful; you would’ve loved it.  I wish I could’ve had a few drinks with you.  It’s funny, for the first time in years I saw my dad and mom’s sides of the family getting along as if they were still family.  Mom’s parents didn’t show up; but I’m sure you’re not surprised.  You would appreciate Andy standing up for her and me taking their side; you always sought to protect her.  I think since you weren’t here to, Andy felt he should, and I’m glad.  He’s on his honeymoon with Amy in Sarisota, Florida.  I’m jealous; I wish I was at a beach. 

Speaking of beaches, I’m going to California in September!  I’m going to stay with Tacy; she lives in LA.  I know you went to UCLA for a while, I wish I knew what bars you were a bartender at in college… I’d love to see them and envision you in your early 20’s flirting with bleach blondes for good tips on Saturday nights.  I’m sure it’s everything you said it was and more.  One day I think I’ll live out west.  You always wanted to and I can see why… I’d like to build your dream house too if I make the money I’m planning on making.  Mom came up for my birthday last week.  We went to an Italian restaurant at Easton that you would’ve been crazy about; live jazz band, kids playing in the front courtyard, and exquisite food for reasonable prices.  I wish you would’ve lived to see me hit my 20’s.  You would shake your head at my bright red hair and probably grow a few more grey hairs at the sight of my tattoos.  I got my fourth tattoo today actually, right across from the butterfly I got with your initials, but it’s amazing!  I’m actually thinking of dying my hair back to brunette at some point, I just don’t know when.  It’s fun to be rebellious at this point in my life, because after college, I actually have to follow some rules and take on real responsibilities, like bills.  But while I can, I figure I might as well bend them a bit and live life on the edge like you did: traveling, meeting people, being spontaneous and laid-back and enjoying yourself… minus the experimental drugs of the 70’s, haha. 

When I go to Italy in a few years, I’m sure I’ll see you in the little things.  Especially when I venture to your hometown of Barisciano to meet your family and explain who I am.  I’m sure they’re wonderful people or your parents wouldn’t have received as many letters they did that I found while sifting through what few pictures of you we have.  You always hated having your picture taken and I never knew why; I always thought you were photogenic.  It makes your pictures that much more valuable.  More than anything, I wonder what life would be like if you were still here.  Would it be better or worse?  Is it really fate that guides us?  I don’t know.  I can only hope there really are reasons that are much too elaborate for me to understand.  A popular Italian question is “hai bisogno nel cassetto?” or “what is your secret wish?”  My wish is that you were here, even for just one day, there is so much I wish I could have your advice on. 

I think we’ve done the best we could without you here to guide us.  You were always our anchor back to reality when everything else seemed uncertain.  There are so many questions I wish I would’ve asked that I still need the answers to.  You always had an unbiased, sensible, worldly way of looking at the big picture and knowing exactly how to handle things.  I’m sorry you were cheated out of the retirement and leisure travel you deserved, but hopefully you’re enjoying a different kind of retirement now. 

I love you forever.  I miss you always.